Vergangenheitsbewältigung

Vergangenheitsbewältigung

An abusive relationship really just fucks you up. And I’m not just talking about abusive marriages and partnerships, abusive relationships come in many different forms. And you can never truly understand until you’ve been in one. When I was younger, I remember I used to ask myself, if someone’s in an abusive relationship, why don’t they just leave? Well, it’s much more complicated than that. It’s difficult to imagine how many invisible chains keep a person manacled in such a situation or relationship if you’ve never been in one. There’s an inexplicable fear, that you know is irrational, but cannot fight it. It takes an incredible amount of strength to walk away from these kinds of situations. And the trauma will stay with you forever, no matter what. But leaving was the best decision I ever made, and I’m grateful for that decision every day. I’m not afraid of anything anymore, because every time I’m about to hesitate, I tell myself “If you were strong enough to walk away from that, you’re strong enough to do anything”. So despite the constant, recurrent nightmares, despite seeing their face when you close your eyes, despite feeling like your body is too numb and your feet can no longer hold you when you see them on the street, it is worth it. Trust me, it is so worth it. I was a seed planted in concrete, a butterfly stuck in a cocoon. But as soon as I found that little crack from which I could escape, I flourished. I flourished and I grew and I became myself. I tore that cocoon wide open and spread my wings and flew above a world that was now beneath me. I cannot forget the past. Even if I could, I would not allow myself to. Yes, it hurts to remember, and yes it’s sad that it had to happen to me. But had I not been there, I would have never acknowledged and appreciated my strength. I would have never even known I had wings, let alone how to use them. I have learned to make peace with the past, to accept what has happened to me. An abusive relationship fucks you up, but I don’t hate that anymore.

this one’s for YOU

Yes, YOU; The person reading this right now.

I just wanted to remind you, you’re worth more than you think. I know that, without even having to know you. Cut yourself some slack. Learn to hold your own hand. You can love yourself- and that is enough. I know you’re going through something tough lately, but that’s not a reason for you to feel unworthy. Think of that one thing you once did that you’re so proud of. See? You can achieve anything.

Part VI: The moving on

PART VI: The moving on 

November 22nd, 2016. It’s been exactly six months since our dreams were shattered. Half a year has already passed. So quickly, yet so painfully. Six months later, and I finally feel ready to move on. As I mentioned in part I, when we ended it, it felt like someone’d thrown a massive rock on top of me. And the thing is, the rock never really goes away. You just learn to carry its burden. You get stronger in time, and slowly it gets easier and easier to carry. But the weight on your shoulders will always be there. So now it’s time for me to stop troubling myself with idle thoughts and inquisitions of “what if”, “if only” and “I should’ve”. It was indeed a painful, agonizing time of my life. But through it all, I’ve grown. Oh how I’ve grown and matured while grieving for you- you’ll never know. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m ready to look forward, and only forward. That part of my life is over, and it’s time for me to head to the next chapter. What’s the use of reading and re-reading the same pages over and over again? That part of the book is over. And I will never reach the end unless I move ahead. Honestly, I know not what the future awaits. Life may get worse, or it may get better. But what matters is that I’ve freed myself from a great despair, and sorrow and misery. This tribulation in my life was eating up my insides, skin and bone until I was left with nothing but despondency and and urge to give up on everything. I am ready now, to regain motivation for life. I’ve found someone else who loves me, and perhaps at some point I’ll stop apprehensively holding back and love him back in the way he deserves to be loved. But what’s most important to me now, is that I can finally say I regained my self-love, my contentment, my life.

My first haircut

I am a teenager, but I’ve had my very first haircut in 2015. I’ve seen women desperately crying after seeing their hair falling with gravity, gently touching the salon’s floor. You see, once they’ve touched the floor, they can no longer be a part of you, ever again. And the idea of that makes people sad. But for me, it was nothing like that…

My life had been a series of sad moments and disappointments. Sure, it could have been so much worse and there are so many serious problems in this world. But these are my problems,  and each person copes differently with their own hardships. In my life I’ve been rejected, neglected and bullied several times. I wasn’t satisfied with my looks, and I hated how I wasn’t good at everything, because I am a damn perfectionist and I am not perfect, so it kills me.

Cutting my hair, did not feel like I was losing a part of myself; It felt like I was finding it. I felt like I was being reborn, like I was cutting off all the ugly moments I’ve been through. And when people ask me what it felt like, all I can say is, “liberating”. I am now free, and ready to leave the past behind me. It’s really not that I’ve changed, I’ve just discovered myself. I am ready to live a new, better life. It took great courage for me to cut my hair. I know it sounds silly, but it’s the truth. I am the type of person that tends to cling and hang on to things, so letting go of something that felt like such a big part of me was a huge decision I had to make. For years, I felt like my hair was the only thing good about me. I got so many compliments about how long and healthy it was. I believed I could hide behind my hair forever, they were my protection, my charms, my everything. But at the end of the day, I’m glad I took the chance, because my hair was not the only good thing about me. I still get compliments on other things, and people finally stopped associating my name with just my hair, and associate it with my talents and personality.

2015, is the year I got my first haircut. 2015, is the year I discovered myself. It is the year when I learned to love my body, the way I look and who I am. I even learned to love my failures, because they’re part of what makes me the person I am today. I learned to love the fact that I am not good at math or chemistry, but at the same time I love how good I am at literature, or at playing the piano or dancing. It is the year when I decided to focus on my writing, because it brings me so much joy. I let go of my hair, and I let go of all the negativity in my life.

As we have a new year coming up, I would like to encourage you all to take more chances like that. Make things happen. Every moment of your life, you must fight to become the person you wish to be some day. I am wishing that all of you, can be as blessed as I was this year. I do wish for things such as abolition of war and mitigation of starvation etc., but I also wish for every individual person to gain the courage and take the extra mile and do something your future self will be proud of, and thankful for. Let’s stop hoping 2016 will be a wonderful year, and instead let’s make sure it will be.

Push yourself

This year, so far, I have achieved more than I achieved my entire life. I have never felt more proud of myself, as I finally got the chance to prove to everyone what I’m really made of. However, I could never have accomplished this if I hadn’t pushed myself. I’m writing this now, hoping that maybe I’ll motivate you, wake you up. If I at least manage to motivate one person, that’s enough for me. So, as I was saying, the reason why all these years I hadn’t really achieved much, was because I was being lazy, I allowed myself to take a break, to eat a chocolate, to study later, to sleep for a while…All these lies we tell ourselves just because we’re not willing to put some extra effort into becoming a better person. If you don’t do what’s best for you, then how do you expect yourself to be better? Learn to treat yourself as if you’re your own best friend. Make sure your “best friend” is always happy, make sure your bestie doesn’t eat more than he/she should, help your bestie become better, and she’ll help you back. We’re all going to die one day, we might as well make the most of this life. 

New Year’s Resolutions For Everyone

It’s the last day of 2014. A year which brought to us a lot of laughter and joy, along with sadness and tears. A year in which our embarrassing moments were endless, but at the same time a year in which we achieved a lot. Let’s all take some time to think about the past year; all the things we’ve done and the things we wish we’ve done. 2015 is an opportunity, a second chance for all of us to make things right, fix the mistakes we made in the past year. Personally, near the end of 2014, my life started building up again. For me, there could not be a better ending for this chapter (2014). So I am very optimistic for 2015.

Near the end of 2014, I got completely over my depression, the one all teens go through, I felt happier and more confident than ever, I made new friends, cleared up from people I did not want in my life, achieved my biggest goal, and got ready to start a new, happier and more exciting year. Since this is the last day of this year, I thought it would be a good idea for us to make a new year’s resolution. All of my readers (I’d like to hope), along with me, together, creating a resolution for 2015, different for each individual.

Creating your Resolution:

• Firstly, we should get a piece of paper or go on word to write all of our goals down. Now, to begin, I’d like you to think of people you don’t want in your life, people that make you unhappy, people that make you feel bad about yourself, people who gossip too much, people who judge others. Write down their names and put a big cross on top. You don’t want these people in your life for 2015. This year will be all about you, making yourself happy, regaining your confidence. And these people are only dragging you down.
• Then, I want you to think of the people who you’d like to have in your life. People who make you laugh and make you feel alive. People with whom you get to be yourself. People who don’t wake up your bad habits. Write their names down, and put a tick next to them. These people are probably keepers for 2015.
• Also, we should take some time to think of our working/school lives. How are things around that subject and how would you like them to be? If you can work harder, do it. Do you want a raise/promotion/higher grades? Write it down, and be prepared to work hard and sweat for it. Hard work will repay (promise).
• Time to think about your love life. How’s that going? If everything is well, then your resolution is to keep things as they are. If you didn’t find anyone special yet, or if it isn’t working out, your resolution is to make things better/find someone special.
• Additionally, this is a part which I personally find important, but some may disagree. I like to make a resolution about my body as well. So if you think you should lose/gain weight or stay as you are, write it down. Achieving the body type you’d like also makes you more confident and happier, which is what we want for the new year.

If you’d like to add more or less things to your resolutions feel free to do so. If you like to add something else in your New Year’s Resolution, leave a comment of suggestions so we can add them as well! I’d also like to mention that sometimes, a year may not go as planned. You may not manage to achieve your goals, or you may lose people who are important to you. Things aren’t always simple. However, the important part is that you try your best to make every year better than the previous one. Happy New Year everyone 🙂

Belittlement

If it’s one thing I can’t stand in my life, is how certain people belittle me. I am the youngest in my family and due to the big age difference with the rest of my family, I never really seemed to receive the required, or at least desired, attention.

So because of this lack of attention I learned to take it easy in life. I know I can do things but sometimes I just don’t feel like I need to prove that I can. People often misunderstand me. They believe that because I don’t showoff my skills, I don’t have any. I know I can achieve anything. However, they don’t know that. They always seem to say things like “It’s okay that you failed, you did your best”. I obviously didn’t do my best, , my abilities are way beyond what they seem to be.

Because of this debasement I have experienced -and am still experiencing- in my life, anytime I meet a person who believes in me, I respect them, I am grateful towards them and I appreciate them.

The fact that some people never believed in me, destroyed my self-esteem, when it comes to my intelligence. For quite a long time I actually convinced myself that I was not clever.  Success is hidden inside of us. Don’t let people push it farther. Every time anyone tries to push that success inside to go one step in, you just pull it two steps out. If no one else believes in you, just believe in yourself, and know that I believe in you.

Life

I never imagined so many days lead to such short life.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts about how short life is too, because I just can’t help feeling there’s not enough time in this world. It’s literally eating me up. I can’t bear the thought that any day could be my last one. We wake up everyday and risk our lives without even noticing.
You could die today or tomorrow and you don’t know it. I know that you might think “Yes but it won’t happen to me”. But don’t take life for granted. The people who die everyday also thought “Yes but it won’t happen to me.” Take advantage of your life and go out and do something. Kiss the girl you have a crush on, even if she slaps you later. Go visit your grandparents even if you’re dying of boredom there. Do things that will matter, because when you die, you won’t be thinking about the chances you took, but about the chances you didn’t take.

Evanescence (Not the band)

evanesce

[ev-uh-nes]

1. Todisappeargradually; to fade away.

You truly cannot imagine how short life is, neither can I, neither can anyone. But have you noticed that every year summer feels shorter? Or have you ever noticed that an hour passes really slow but a year passes really fast? I still feel like 2008 was yesterday, but it was 7 years ago. I reached a point where I truly started feeling like life is pointless. But then I realized, I only get to live once and I should take advantage of that. Every time I see something and say “I wish I could do that/be that/try that” I instantly start working to get there. Life is too damn short, so if you want something you get up, and start working. Do you, or do you not want to make some value out of your life?