Vergangenheitsbewältigung

Vergangenheitsbewältigung

An abusive relationship really just fucks you up. And I’m not just talking about abusive marriages and partnerships, abusive relationships come in many different forms. And you can never truly understand until you’ve been in one. When I was younger, I remember I used to ask myself, if someone’s in an abusive relationship, why don’t they just leave? Well, it’s much more complicated than that. It’s difficult to imagine how many invisible chains keep a person manacled in such a situation or relationship if you’ve never been in one. There’s an inexplicable fear, that you know is irrational, but cannot fight it. It takes an incredible amount of strength to walk away from these kinds of situations. And the trauma will stay with you forever, no matter what. But leaving was the best decision I ever made, and I’m grateful for that decision every day. I’m not afraid of anything anymore, because every time I’m about to hesitate, I tell myself “If you were strong enough to walk away from that, you’re strong enough to do anything”. So despite the constant, recurrent nightmares, despite seeing their face when you close your eyes, despite feeling like your body is too numb and your feet can no longer hold you when you see them on the street, it is worth it. Trust me, it is so worth it. I was a seed planted in concrete, a butterfly stuck in a cocoon. But as soon as I found that little crack from which I could escape, I flourished. I flourished and I grew and I became myself. I tore that cocoon wide open and spread my wings and flew above a world that was now beneath me. I cannot forget the past. Even if I could, I would not allow myself to. Yes, it hurts to remember, and yes it’s sad that it had to happen to me. But had I not been there, I would have never acknowledged and appreciated my strength. I would have never even known I had wings, let alone how to use them. I have learned to make peace with the past, to accept what has happened to me. An abusive relationship fucks you up, but I don’t hate that anymore.

Summer love

My summer love felt surreal.

We’d drive off in the sunset

And sneak out to watch the sunrise.

We jumped from cliffs

And swam in blue oceans.

We talked about art and literature

And theories about time and parallel universes.

We disagreed on zodiac signs and psychology and human behavior.

We agreed on religion and poetry and music.

Our love felt like it was coming straight out of a novel.

But just like the seasons,

The feelings changed,

Became colder,

As Dull and gloomy as the changing weather.

Time runs out for summer lovers;

It always does.

My summer love felt surreal,

And maybe it was.

-Thewanderess (F.Z)

Changes

We change our hair and clothes,

Redecorate our rooms

Our apartments

In a desperate attempt to change things-

Perpetually clinging onto changes and relying on them to better our lives

Always trying to escape our current situation

Expecting that a tiny alteration in our surroundings or our bodies will suddenly take the pain away, wash away our sins.

I wish it were that simple, I do-

But I’m afraid it’s not.

No matter what color your hair is,

How brighter your clothes are,

What furniture you bought-

Your mistakes will keep chasing after you

as if they’re your shadow

Bearing the constant reminder

That you can never run away from yourself.

-Thewanderess (F.Z)

HOW TO RETURN TO ME: A GUIDE

Don’t.

HOW TO FORGET ME: A GUIDE

Every time you turn to look at her

Only to realize her eyes lack the spark that shone in mine-

Light her eyes on fire.

 

If she doesn’t write about you

Stop reading.

 

Burn my poems and my letters

And our pictures

Then use the flame to warm her heart.

 

At nights,

when you close your eyes and see me,

Try to replace my face with hers.

 

Stop smoking my cigarettes,

Stop singing along to Queen.

When you walk into a room and suffocate in the smell of my Chanel perfume,

Stop breathing.

 

When our souls collided,

They combined- Delving into each other-

Gently embodying into one, definite form.

 

My best advice on how to forget me?

Stop being yourself.

Because a part of me consists of you,

And a part of you consists of me.

 

Become somebody new.

Replace your broken, dysfunctional heart

with a better one, made of stone.

 

Erase our memories,

Conceal your mind with layers and layers

Of lies, illusions,

Hatred.

 

Have you forgotten me yet?

 

 -F.Z (Thewanderess/ theheroiccouplet)

 

HOW TO MISS ME: A GUIDE

Miss me

In the way the waves

miss the shore,

the way the Moon misses the Sun

and all those cliches

 

Miss me silently.

Cry yourself to sleep, but tell no one.

Get yourself a journal and start writing.

 

Turn our story into poetry,

Your pain into a novel.

Make me a hero, or a villain,

if you wish.

 

Write about me until you heal.

Every time you write my name, notice how

it fades a little.

It’ll disappear eventually; I promise.

 

And if you still miss me after all this

Don’t worry.

You will miss me. And you will keep missing me,

Until you don’t.

 

 

-F.Z (thewanderess)

 

 

HOW TO LEAVE ME: A GUIDE

When you leave,

Don’t bother saying goodbye.

Don’t make it harder than it already is.

Don’t bother texting that you miss me.

I’m not the kind of person

who offers second chances.

-If you loved me enough, you never would have left-

Don’t explain yourself,

You owe me no apologies.

People fall out of love all the time.

It’s okay. You don’t have to lie

that it’s your fault.

Tell me I wasn’t good enough.

Hurt me enough so I’ll never come back.

Leave not a single trace of hope inside of me.

Hurt me so I can learn to heal;

Hurt me, until I can finally love myself again.

-F.Z (thewanderess)

HOW TO LOVE ME: A GUIDE

Read all of my poems

and become one with what I write.

 

Listen to the way I play the piano,

The way I occasionally sing off-pitch.

 

Notice how I chew my food,

What I sound like coming down the stairs.

 

Go through every corner of my chaotic mind,

and come out unafraid.

 

Emerge from my darkest memories

And fight away my fears.

 

On days when I am hard to love,

Love me like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

 

Love me in a clumsy, imperfect way.

I don’t care;

Just as long as you do.

 

-F.Z (thewanderess)

this one’s for YOU

Yes, YOU; The person reading this right now.

I just wanted to remind you, you’re worth more than you think. I know that, without even having to know you. Cut yourself some slack. Learn to hold your own hand. You can love yourself- and that is enough. I know you’re going through something tough lately, but that’s not a reason for you to feel unworthy. Think of that one thing you once did that you’re so proud of. See? You can achieve anything.

Identity confusion

I think I finally realized what mistake I made with you. I didn’t just let myself love you; I let myself be owned by you. You became my only home. I let go of every habit, every aspiration and goal I had in life, and focused fully on becoming what you wanted me to be.

I was so overly-consumed in my attempt to perpetually please you, that I completely lost every inch of my identity. Who was I? A simulation of you. You- only smaller, and unoriginal.