Vergangenheitsbewältigung

Vergangenheitsbewältigung

An abusive relationship really just fucks you up. And I’m not just talking about abusive marriages and partnerships, abusive relationships come in many different forms. And you can never truly understand until you’ve been in one. When I was younger, I remember I used to ask myself, if someone’s in an abusive relationship, why don’t they just leave? Well, it’s much more complicated than that. It’s difficult to imagine how many invisible chains keep a person manacled in such a situation or relationship if you’ve never been in one. There’s an inexplicable fear, that you know is irrational, but cannot fight it. It takes an incredible amount of strength to walk away from these kinds of situations. And the trauma will stay with you forever, no matter what. But leaving was the best decision I ever made, and I’m grateful for that decision every day. I’m not afraid of anything anymore, because every time I’m about to hesitate, I tell myself “If you were strong enough to walk away from that, you’re strong enough to do anything”. So despite the constant, recurrent nightmares, despite seeing their face when you close your eyes, despite feeling like your body is too numb and your feet can no longer hold you when you see them on the street, it is worth it. Trust me, it is so worth it. I was a seed planted in concrete, a butterfly stuck in a cocoon. But as soon as I found that little crack from which I could escape, I flourished. I flourished and I grew and I became myself. I tore that cocoon wide open and spread my wings and flew above a world that was now beneath me. I cannot forget the past. Even if I could, I would not allow myself to. Yes, it hurts to remember, and yes it’s sad that it had to happen to me. But had I not been there, I would have never acknowledged and appreciated my strength. I would have never even known I had wings, let alone how to use them. I have learned to make peace with the past, to accept what has happened to me. An abusive relationship fucks you up, but I don’t hate that anymore.

Summer love

My summer love felt surreal.

We’d drive off in the sunset

And sneak out to watch the sunrise.

We jumped from cliffs

And swam in blue oceans.

We talked about art and literature

And theories about time and parallel universes.

We disagreed on zodiac signs and psychology and human behavior.

We agreed on religion and poetry and music.

Our love felt like it was coming straight out of a novel.

But just like the seasons,

The feelings changed,

Became colder,

As Dull and gloomy as the changing weather.

Time runs out for summer lovers;

It always does.

My summer love felt surreal,

And maybe it was.

-Thewanderess (F.Z)

Changes

We change our hair and clothes,

Redecorate our rooms

Our apartments

In a desperate attempt to change things-

Perpetually clinging onto changes and relying on them to better our lives

Always trying to escape our current situation

Expecting that a tiny alteration in our surroundings or our bodies will suddenly take the pain away, wash away our sins.

I wish it were that simple, I do-

But I’m afraid it’s not.

No matter what color your hair is,

How brighter your clothes are,

What furniture you bought-

Your mistakes will keep chasing after you

as if they’re your shadow

Bearing the constant reminder

That you can never run away from yourself.

-Thewanderess (F.Z)

HOW TO RETURN TO ME: A GUIDE

Don’t.

HOW TO FORGET ME: A GUIDE

Every time you turn to look at her

Only to realize her eyes lack the spark that shone in mine-

Light her eyes on fire.

 

If she doesn’t write about you

Stop reading.

 

Burn my poems and my letters

And our pictures

Then use the flame to warm her heart.

 

At nights,

when you close your eyes and see me,

Try to replace my face with hers.

 

Stop smoking my cigarettes,

Stop singing along to Queen.

When you walk into a room and suffocate in the smell of my Chanel perfume,

Stop breathing.

 

When our souls collided,

They combined- Delving into each other-

Gently embodying into one, definite form.

 

My best advice on how to forget me?

Stop being yourself.

Because a part of me consists of you,

And a part of you consists of me.

 

Become somebody new.

Replace your broken, dysfunctional heart

with a better one, made of stone.

 

Erase our memories,

Conceal your mind with layers and layers

Of lies, illusions,

Hatred.

 

Have you forgotten me yet?

 

 -F.Z (Thewanderess/ theheroiccouplet)

 

HOW TO LOVE ME: A GUIDE

Read all of my poems

and become one with what I write.

 

Listen to the way I play the piano,

The way I occasionally sing off-pitch.

 

Notice how I chew my food,

What I sound like coming down the stairs.

 

Go through every corner of my chaotic mind,

and come out unafraid.

 

Emerge from my darkest memories

And fight away my fears.

 

On days when I am hard to love,

Love me like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

 

Love me in a clumsy, imperfect way.

I don’t care;

Just as long as you do.

 

-F.Z (thewanderess)

Silk

Love is made of silk

And there will always be a gap in life

That you’ll never quite be able to fill

 

And loneliness

May make you feel unworthy

I lull myself to sleep with the sweet song of our memories

 

Every time I smell that brand of cigarettes I think of you

I wish we could capture scents

just like we can capture images and record sounds

Scent is the most powerful of our senses

It is not the only one that can evoke feelings

But it’s the only one that can awaken memories

and take you back to a precise location at a precise time

 

Your heart may feel fragile right now

But it is constructed to be able to withstand

this pain you’re going through

In all its beautiful complexity

Its layers of powerful muscles

It will never allow something so small

To break it

.

 

-theheroiccouplet/thewanderess (F.z)

 

Elegy for what I’ve lost

This

is for all the shooting stars

and eyelashes I’ve wasted

wishing on you.

This is for every tear I shed-

For every sleepless night-

For every scar on my wrist.

The endless minutes

I spent thinking about you

The never-ending silences

As I lay in tears on my bed.

The songs I’ve demoted

by making them about you.

This one

Is for every tiny fragment of my heart

That I lost along the way.

And the lost pieces of myself.

But the one thing I’ve lost

that this poem is not about

is you.

 

 

-F.Z (The wanderess)

 

Parallel Universes

I recently came across an interesting theory about parallel universes, which I can’t seem to get out of my head and I’d love to hear more opinions about it. So here’s how it goes. There comes a point in life, when you have to make a serious decision. This decision could define the rest of your life. Only now, scratch could; it will define the rest of your life. In this world of infinite possibilities each choice and each decision, now matter how small or how “insignificant”, is bound to define your future. If you decided to stop and read this for a minute, it will change your life in ways you could never imagine. For example, in that minute you could have met a person you’d marry, but the fact that you stayed to read this and waited another minute, means you won’t meet that person and you’ll marry someone else. And the fact that you’ll marry someone else means so many other things will go differently in your life. This creates infinite parallel universes of where you could have been at this moment if a small decision was made differently. Creepy, huh? If you’re having trouble coping with my awkward explanation skills, read this: http://www.space.com/32728-parallel-universes.html and let me know what you think.

Dear you,

I know this will sound cheesy…But I miss you. I miss talking with you and I don’t blame myself for doing so. I mean, we talked every single day, all the time; and now we don’t speak at all. I need you, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I don’t. No matter how many times I tell myself “I’m an independent individual”,”I don’t need anyone to complete me“, “feelings are temporary” etc., deep down I know it’s all lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night. When I was with you, for the first time in my life I felt like I knew what I was doing and where I was heading. I knew what I wanted and had everything figured out. I was always an emotionally detached person, until I met you. Life suddenly made sense, I had a purpose, dreams and goals, a reason to keep me going.

I try and try to become that cold-hearted, detached person I used to be, but for you I am a hopeless romantic who thinks she found the love of her life, so there’s no way I’m letting you go. And every sleepless night I spend thinking of you, I can’t help but envy the cynics. I wish I was more like them. And sometimes I pretend to be one, too. But the cynical side of me is nothing but a disguise, so I don’t seem as vulnerable as I am. Sometimes I feel I was naive to have trusted you and to have loved you the way I did, but I still have hopes that you’re ‘the one’ so you might be worth it, after all. Let’s give us another chance…