The wanderess

( tumblr: Theheroiccouplet) Let's question the meaning of life together.

LEO

He is stubborn

and selfish and narcissistic.

He has to question everything

And his over-confidence is exasperating.

But above all

He is gracious

and giving.

And when he loves,

he loves with all his heart

Elegy for what I’ve lost

This

is for all the shooting stars

and eyelashes I’ve wasted

wishing on you.

This is for every tear I shed-

For every sleepless night-

For every scar on my wrist.

The endless minutes

I spent thinking about you

The never-ending silences

As I lay in tears on my bed.

The songs I’ve demoted

by making them about you.

This one

Is for every tiny fragment of my heart

That I lost along the way.

And the lost pieces of myself.

But the one thing I’ve lost

that this poem is not about

is you.

 

 

-F.Z (The wanderess)

 

Part VI: The moving on

PART VI: The moving on 

November 22nd, 2016. It’s been exactly six months since our dreams were shattered. Half a year has already passed. So quickly, yet so painfully. Six months later, and I finally feel ready to move on. As I mentioned in part I, when we ended it, it felt like someone’d thrown a massive rock on top of me. And the thing is, the rock never really goes away. You just learn to carry its burden. You get stronger in time, and slowly it gets easier and easier to carry. But the weight on your shoulders will always be there. So now it’s time for me to stop troubling myself with idle thoughts and inquisitions of “what if”, “if only” and “I should’ve”. It was indeed a painful, agonizing time of my life. But through it all, I’ve grown. Oh how I’ve grown and matured while grieving for you- you’ll never know. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m ready to look forward, and only forward. That part of my life is over, and it’s time for me to head to the next chapter. What’s the use of reading and re-reading the same pages over and over again? That part of the book is over. And I will never reach the end unless I move ahead. Honestly, I know not what the future awaits. Life may get worse, or it may get better. But what matters is that I’ve freed myself from a great despair, and sorrow and misery. This tribulation in my life was eating up my insides, skin and bone until I was left with nothing but despondency and and urge to give up on everything. I am ready now, to regain motivation for life. I’ve found someone else who loves me, and perhaps at some point I’ll stop apprehensively holding back and love him back in the way he deserves to be loved. But what’s most important to me now, is that I can finally say I regained my self-love, my contentment, my life.

Part V: The acceptance

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

PART V: The acceptance

Once all my pieces were mended back together, I finally got to see the world more clearly. Now, when I say all my pieces, I mean the pieces of my old self; the person I was before you. But of course there’s still gaps and stitches inside of me, that may or may not be filled or heal in time. But that’s okay. Acceptance -I’ve grown to learn- has nothing to do with things getting any better. It only has to do with you being fine with whatever was, whatever is, whatever will be. I’ve accepted that I lost you, and that I possibly lost you forever. I’ve accepted that you found someone else, and that you may or may not love her more than me. I’ve accepted that you moved on, and that you may never think about me again. I’ve accepted that we might never speak again. You are allowed to live you life any way you wish to. I do not get to control your actions, your future. You are you, just how I am me. And you are the protagonist of your own life just how I am the protagonist of mine. I have no power over you. And that’s okay. I don’t mind anymore. So today, my dear, I am setting you free. I will no longer keep you awake at nights- I’ll stop dreaming of you. I will no longer wait for you to call, or to come crawling back to me. I will no longer hate your new lover. And I will no longer hold you back, because that requires me staying in place, too. It’s time I let you go, so I can let myself go. Today, my dear, I am setting you free, so that I can finally free myself.

Part IV: The Replenishing

Part I , Part II , Part III

PART IV: The Replenishing

replenish
rɪˈplɛnɪʃ/
verb
gerund or present participle: replenishing
 1. fill something up again

I decided I had to stop treating myself like I was worthless, just because you were unable to see my worth. Honestly, I am still going through this part, I am still replenishing. It hurt, to see you walk away. It hurt to watch you move on and it hurts whenever I think of you. But the alcohol and cigarettes were only burning up the wounds. They were only making the pain more toxic. It’s time for me to start loving myself again. Because at the end of the day, if even you were unable to love me, then I am probably the only one capable of loving me. And it’s time for me to realize that that’s enough. I should stop searching for more because I’ll end up losing valuable things that are right in front of me. For God’s sake, I wound up losing my own self for a while. That is how far it went. And maybe no one, not even I, will ever be able to fill up the hole you left inside of me, but who said I can’t grow flowers inside these holes? All you did was throw dirt at me, and up to now I failed to see that if only I water and nourish this dirt, I can make something beautiful out of it.

They say it doesn’t happen in a day, you don’t just wake up one morning and feel fine. But I woke up one day and told myself, “you know what? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I have the power to make things better, so why don’t I just do it already?” I guess I had an epiphany. And yes, I believe in epiphanies. I believe that a person can actually change from one day to the other. Maybe most people don’t believe this is true because it doesn’t happen so dramatically and all at once. But even waking up and deciding I didn’t want to feel this way anymore was quite a big change for me. And so I started eating clean again, I quit smoking, stopped drinking, hit the gym more often. And my healthy lifestyle is distracting me, most of the time. I think of him less, now. I’m convinced I’ll eventually stop thinking about him completely, or at least so I hope. I wouldn’t advise you to delete his/her messages or your photos. There’s no point in deleting them, because this is not “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”and memories cannot be deleted. So no matter how many text messages you lose, you can never lose the memories with him/her. But make sure you’re not keeping them only to have something to hold on to. And make sure you’re not keeping them just to read them at night and lull yourself to sleep. Keep them as a sweet reminder that you and this person shared something magical, once.

Trust me, the pain will take a while to go away, and it might not go away at all. But there’s always ways for you to turn your pain into something good. Whether it’s by giving others advice based on your trials and errors, or by turning your sorrow into art, it’s always beneficial to someone.

Part III: The depression

Part I here

Part II here

PART III: The depression

I didn’t know who I was anymore. I soon realized that the company of other men didn’t complete me. I was in a new relationship now, but felt nothing for the man I was with. I got into this new relationship hoping it would help me get over him, but I was wrong. And now my heart couldn’t bare the thought of breaking another person in the way he broke me. So I pretended to love this new man I was with, laughed at his jokes and forced myself to keep my eyes closed while kissing him.

Stalking my ex on social media -I’ve come to learn- wasn’t much of help either. I wanted to know about everything he was up to. When he finally moved on, I was in denial. I couldn’t believe he got over me. He stopped texting and calling, and eventually he found someone else. I relied on social media to learn he was with someone, because my friends felt bad to tell me. Maybe they were worried I’d kill myself or something, I don’t really blame them. Thing is, he was trying for months to get back with me and I was out acting all happy with my new guy. So why was I even feeling betrayal now? It was my fault. I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him. He was doing what was best for him.

I cried and cried for days, then started suppressing my feelings. I pushed all my friends away, didn’t eat clean, got drunk as never before… I became a wreck. The cigarette smoke had become my only company, forming his shadow in the darkness. I was self-destructing again. This time I wasn’t deliberately and consciously harming my physique or slitting my wrists, but I was involuntarily harming my insides.

Part II: The Anger

Read part I here

PART II: The Anger

During this time I went wild. I went out partying every night, came home late, flirted with other guys, hooked up with his best friend..I didn’t reply to his texts or answer his calls, I was rude to him, criticized him, belittled him when talking about him to my friends, and told everyone I hated him. I even convinced myself that I hated him for a short while. I thought I was having the time of my life, I thought I was finally free, away from his captivity and negativity. What I didn’t realize, was that the negativity came from within myself, and not him. Everything I did during this stage, I did it either to receive his attention or to spite him. And he tried to come back to me and apologize various times, but I am the most egoistical, stubborn person, and I didn’t even want to hear it. I was so mad at him for leaving me. “how dare he leave me after all I’ve done for him?” “He’ll never find a girl like me again.” “No one will ever love him as much”. I kept trying to persuade myself I was better off without him, but in the process, I eventually wound up losing myself, along with losing him.

PART I: The breaking

After going through a rough breakup this year, I underwent several stages of dealing with my loss. These included the breaking, the anger, the depression, the replenishing, the acceptance and finally the moving on. In my following posts, I will be describing these stages, hoping to help any of you who may be in a similar situation.

PART I: The Breaking

The breaking was not easy. It is probably the hardest part, because it triggers all the rest. It is the beginning, the core of it all. The breaking came the day you said it was over. My world was shattered within seconds. Between the words coming out of your lips, my dreams were being crushed. It was hard to believe the lips I once used to love and kiss, were the same lips as the ones killing me in that moment. We both said we should end it many times before, but we always knew we’d come back to each other. This time, however, it felt different. I guess we both knew, deep down, that the more we tried, the harder it would keep getting. So we gave up, and it hurt more than I could ever explain in words. How could I possibly write down, with the limit of 26 letters, the vast pain and grief I felt? Honestly, it felt like someone threw a massive rock on top of me. 

What falling out of love felt like

I would’ve never expected that I was going to fall out of love with you, but I did.

It’s really not that I didn’t want to love you anymore. I tried, honestly I have.

Still no matter what, I couldn’t make myself fall back in love with you.

And it was hard for me too, to watch our love fade away and to know that there was nothing I could do to stop it from doing so. But it was beyond my control.

The damage had already been done, despite all our efforts.

 

Conversations got dull,

Kisses had turned into a routine.

Seeing you was no longer exciting.

In fact, knowing I would see you brought me anxiety.

Not the “butterflies” kind of anxiety; a bad kind.

The kind that makes you want to pack a bag and run away.

You used to seem so perfect to me.

I thought our love would live on for years.

But I guess we weren’t strong enough, to fight against our demons.

To fight against losing our affection for one another.

We both stopped desiring each other in the needy way that we used to.

 

At times, I would get so tired of seeing you, I felt like throwing up.

The very sight of you had become something revolting.

It’s like our excessive love killed us.

We loved the love out of each other.

We took each other for granted.

I knew that every day when I’d come home you would call.

I knew that no matter what you would run back to me.

 

There were times, when I would close my eyes, and wished that you could disappear.

Or when I knew I was about to walk into a place and see you, I would stand outside the door for a minute- just to gather enough courage to face you.

Being in love had simply turned into a painful chore.

I could feel our love dying every minute we spent together.

Yet the worst part is, I couldn’t wait for it to die.

Confessions

How do you explain to someone,

that you love them so much it hurts

How do you let them know,

they’re the reason you haven’t slept in a month

How do you reveal to them,

you check your phone every morning because you’re waiting for that good morning text

How do you show them,

the physical pain you feel from missing them so much

How do you prove to them,

that your feelings have never been stronger

How do I tell him,

he turned the most cynical person into a hopeless romantic

-F.Z (thewanderessblog)