Part I , Part II , Part III
PART IV: The Replenishing
gerund or present participle: replenishing
1. fill something up again
I decided I had to stop treating myself like I was worthless, just because you were unable to see my worth. Honestly, I am still going through this part, I am still replenishing. It hurt, to see you walk away. It hurt to watch you move on and it hurts whenever I think of you. But the alcohol and cigarettes were only burning up the wounds. They were only making the pain more toxic. It’s time for me to start loving myself again. Because at the end of the day, if even you were unable to love me, then I am probably the only one capable of loving me. And it’s time for me to realize that that’s enough. I should stop searching for more because I’ll end up losing valuable things that are right in front of me. For God’s sake, I wound up losing my own self for a while. That is how far it went. And maybe no one, not even I, will ever be able to fill up the hole you left inside of me, but who said I can’t grow flowers inside these holes? All you did was throw dirt at me, and up to now I failed to see that if only I water and nourish this dirt, I can make something beautiful out of it.
They say it doesn’t happen in a day, you don’t just wake up one morning and feel fine. But I woke up one day and told myself, “you know what? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I have the power to make things better, so why don’t I just do it already?” I guess I had an epiphany. And yes, I believe in epiphanies. I believe that a person can actually change from one day to the other. Maybe most people don’t believe this is true because it doesn’t happen so dramatically and all at once. But even waking up and deciding I didn’t want to feel this way anymore was quite a big change for me. And so I started eating clean again, I quit smoking, stopped drinking, hit the gym more often. And my healthy lifestyle is distracting me, most of the time. I think of him less, now. I’m convinced I’ll eventually stop thinking about him completely, or at least so I hope. I wouldn’t advise you to delete his/her messages or your photos. There’s no point in deleting them, because this is not “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”and memories cannot be deleted. So no matter how many text messages you lose, you can never lose the memories with him/her. But make sure you’re not keeping them only to have something to hold on to. And make sure you’re not keeping them just to read them at night and lull yourself to sleep. Keep them as a sweet reminder that you and this person shared something magical, once.
Trust me, the pain will take a while to go away, and it might not go away at all. But there’s always ways for you to turn your pain into something good. Whether it’s by giving others advice based on your trials and errors, or by turning your sorrow into art, it’s always beneficial to someone.