Part III: The depression

by Girlinshadows (Theheroiccouplet)

Part I here

Part II here

PART III: The depression

I didn’t know who I was anymore. I soon realized that the company of other men didn’t complete me. I was in a new relationship now, but felt nothing for the man I was with. I got into this new relationship hoping it would help me get over him, but I was wrong. And now my heart couldn’t bare the thought of breaking another person in the way he broke me. So I pretended to love this new man I was with, laughed at his jokes and forced myself to keep my eyes closed while kissing him.

Stalking my ex on social media -I’ve come to learn- wasn’t much of help either. I wanted to know about everything he was up to. When he finally moved on, I was in denial. I couldn’t believe he got over me. He stopped texting and calling, and eventually he found someone else. I relied on social media to learn he was with someone, because my friends felt bad to tell me. Maybe they were worried I’d kill myself or something, I don’t really blame them. Thing is, he was trying for months to get back with me and I was out acting all happy with my new guy. So why was I even feeling betrayal now? It was my fault. I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him. He was doing what was best for him.

I cried and cried for days, then started suppressing my feelings. I pushed all my friends away, didn’t eat clean, got drunk as never before… I became a wreck. The cigarette smoke had become my only company, forming his shadow in the darkness. I was self-destructing again. This time I wasn’t deliberately and consciously harming my physique or slitting my wrists, but I was involuntarily harming my insides.