Perfectionist

by Girlinshadows (Theheroiccouplet)

I am a perfectionist. Not the usual kind, however. I do not care if things are in order, and I do not complete all my tasks in perfection. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I want myself to be perfect. It is actually impossible, but I don’t want to accept that. I want to be faultless in everyone’s eyes, including my own, at the same time. And when someone yells at me, disagrees with me or gets angry at me, I get a feeling of melancholy. I hate not being good enough, and I execrate making mistakes. Because mistakes are imperfections, and an ideal person shouldn’t have those. I don’t even know why I am like this, and honestly I don’t want it, or like it. Yet, I can’t help myself. Whenever I’m in a situation where I argue with somebody, I end up wanting to argue with myself along with the other person. I repeat the things I said wrong in my head for hours, maybe days after, and I hate the fact that I made this person get mad at me. I feel like I’m disappointing the people around me, and at the same time I feel like I appear vulnerable and flawed (which I am, but elude to show it). I am so angry, because I allow myself to become what I never wanted to be. I always do my best to avoid conflict, so when I do fight with people, I loathe myself. I’ve become obsessed with the idea that I need to be flawless, and since it’s not something humanly possible, I have an interminable feeling of hollowness inside of me. I am forever unsatisfied and nothing can please me. Nothing but perfection.

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