Hamartia

by Girlinshadows (Theheroiccouplet)

Hamartia
həˈmɑːtɪə
noun
  1. a fatal flaw leading to the downfall of a tragic hero or heroine.

When I like someone, I see them as perfect as they can be. But when I finally get to be with them, I start forcing myself to see all their imperfections. I point out to myself all their flaws and bad habits. In other words, I would find a hamartia in all of them. One guy was too shy, the other had weird teeth, the other was too nice, another had big ears, and so on…And just like that, I would find a flaw on everyone. Eventually I realized I was the flawed one. I understand that nobody is perfect, and neither am I. I was flawed because a part of me wouldn’t allow the rest of myself to commit to someone. And I would find the slightest imperfection as an excuse to run away from my fear; commitment. I feel strange dedicating myself to someone. I don’t feel strange committing to a job, or a hobby or whatsoever. But the idea of being devoted to one person; that scares me. I feel like I will lose myself, my identity. I will no longer be me, I will be “that girl who is with that guy”. I know that running away from my fear will not make it go away, but for some reason I don’t want it to go away. Perhaps it’s not that irrational. Maybe it’s an involuntary self defense mechanism, because I don’t want to lose myself. It happened once before, and I know I never want to go back there again. It was hard finding myself again. It was a long, tough journey. And maybe that’s what I’m truly running away from. I’m running away from hurting myself.

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